Amma in my Life

Devotee Vijaykumar tells how Mother has helped him endure mental and business hardships

Reminiscences can be quite painful, especially when it is built upon memories that picture you as a failure. Yet, it is to these very same painful memories that I cling to ever so strongly; for soon after the worst was over, these memories crystallised to become my greatest learning lessons in life -- a phase when my relationship with the Almighty was transformed from the ritualistic to the spiritual; when my devotion toward Her Holiness Mata Amritanandamayi Devi finally found its correct path. Life dragged me through the worst, only to bring out the best in me. And in the end, I became a believer.

Let me start from the beginning. The year was 1989. Back then I lived in Calcutta, and worked as Managing Director of my own small chemicals marketing firm. Business was doing well and I had at my disposal everything any successful person would possess: a car, a driver, club membership and a contented family.

One fine day, my mother wrote to me from Shoranur, Kerala, about Amma and said that I must meet Her when She was in Calcutta. The dates of the Calcutta programme were included, and having received a letter from my mother, I could not say no. However, I had a tremendous reluctance to go and meet some lady who claimed to be a Holy Mother. There was also the fact that most devotees were known to often touch Her feet while paying salutations -- a thought which, in all my arrogance, did not then find favour with my scheme of things.

Nevertheless, I did go to see Amma, along with my wife Girija, guided, to be honest, more by curiosity than by devotion. The darshan was being held at the Shastha Samooham Ayyappan Temple in South Calcutta. My wife and I joined the queue for darshan and when my turn came, one of my close family friends introduced me to Amma.

To my surprise, Amma recognized my family connection instantly and said that She had met my mother back in Shoranur where a manuscript of the Lalita Sahasranama, written by my great grandfather, Thiuvali Vallikkat Narayana Menon, was handed over to Her. Having said so, Amma hugged me affectionately, overwhelming me with emotion. Immediately bowing down before Her, I touched her Lotus Feet, and did the same on every subsequent function that Amma attended in the next few days in Calcutta.

Within a span of 12 months Amma returned to Calcutta for her second tour. This time around I found myself on the organising committee that managed Amma's programme during Her stay there. In those days, one got to spend a lot of time beside Amma. Girija and I were taking every opportunity to talk to Her, ask questions, and receive answers that would be interspersed with humility and humour, the kind I had never experienced before. It was not long after these experiences that I actually began to worship Mother.

The next two years passed by quickly, though the first signs of receding profits in my business were beginning to tell on my lifestyle. The car had to be sold, and visits to the club were few and far between. It was then that one of my friends suggested that I try my hand in Ajman, in the UAE, where a Punjabi businessman involved in similar chemicals trading was looking for someone to further his interests in the region. I accepted the offer and took off.
And thus began my foray into the phase of trouble and misery.

My boss in Ajman, though very rich, was a very crude and rude person. It was only a matter of time before the effects of his work culture began to tell on me. I was extremely lonely, thousands of miles away from my family, with no one to talk to. Being an extrovert by nature, conditions could not have been worse. Though I tried to stifle this anxiety and tension by concentrating on the business at hand, nothing seemed to be working right. Seeing a quick relief out of this quagmire, I started taking antidepressant medicines. By the time a couple of courses had been taken, the chemicals in the drug had left an indelible stain on my personality. I was what medical practitioners term a "nervous wreck."

During the initial years of my illness, I remember praying to Amma religiously. But as the medicine took a toll on my psyche, I stopped. Six months later I returned to my family in Calcutta. Having lost close to 15 kilograms in weight, I looked thin and aged. Even some of my closest friends found it difficult to recognise me.

Though I managed to come back to the safety and warmth of my family, the shocked and appalled looks that confronted me every time I met a close acquaintance pushed me further into a shell. The result -- acute depression. I tried to shut myself away from the world by no longer meeting anyone, or even answering phone calls. Everything had become negative and the relentless visits to a local psychiatrist in Calcutta did little to cure the malaise. My common refrain to my wife and children, then both in their teens, was that I would very soon be on the streets, and then there would be nothing to look forward to in life.

Girija and the children countered the situation by taking care of the business that I had so dejectedly orphaned. She got her confidence by clutching closely to a letter that she had received from the Holy Mother. When I was in Ajman, Girija had written to Amma seeking advice and guidance to help her get through the troubled times. Amma wrote back promptly saying that She was always with her, praying for her happiness and well being, and that no matter how bad things were, she should not forget to be cheerful and smiling.

The illness lay siege for four years, by the end of which I began to develop suicidal tendencies. My wife would try to talk some reason into me and would often take me to different temples with the hope that it would have some effect on my mind. Several plans to visit Amma's ashram were made, but somehow it never materialised; until August 1997, that is. Finally, we got an opportunity to make it to Amritapuri, where we took a room to stay for a couple of days. On my arrival, I met Swami Amritaswarupanandaji and Swami Amritatmanandaji, both of whom had heard of my predicament and gave similar advice -- that I should talk to Amma about it.

The next morning we went for darshan. It was a long queue, and I spent the time waiting for my turn by trying to frame the conversation I would like to have with Amma when I actually got to meet Her. I wanted Amma to give me a solution for the problems that I was facing, spelling out exactly how I should get out of the mess I had landed myself in. But nothing went as per my plan. The moment I stood before Amma She delightfully exclaimed, "My son from Calcutta has finally come to see me" and told my wife that my children had really grown up. Few words, but enough to shatter the cocoon that I had slid myself into, as I wept and wept uncontrollably listening to Amma's beautiful words of endearment. For four years, while I battled my mental disease, my emotions had practically dried up. I had never laughed or cried. Cynicism and sarcasm had replaced everything. And now, in this one meeting with the Holy Mother, all that had changed. My emotions had returned; and within the next couple of hours, as my wife and children were to discover, so would all the extrovert traits that I had possessed before the medicines relegated me to a zombie.

When I regained slight control over my weeping, Amma hugged me again and asked me, along with my wife and children, to sit beside Her on the left. She then continued receiving people and turned to me every now and then with a smile. I responded very little. The conversation I had prepared in my mind had by now vaporised. All that I could think and see was Amma and Her love for me. A good two hours later, Amma got up and left. Later in the evening I met Swamiji in the ashram courtyard. He asked me if I was able to tell Amma anything about my plight. I replied by shaking my head, and then retired for the night.

The next morning, I was a changed man! My disturbed self had been replaced. I was my normal self again. I just could not believe it! My immediate reaction was to inform my wife and children. They also could not believe it. A miracle had happened before our very eyes! A miracle, as I was to learn later, that was going to turn my life completely on its head.

There was no telling the joy. By some miraculously inexplicable reason, I was once again the normal, garrulous person that their memories had left behind some six years ago. By the time we left Amma's ashram and got back to Shoranur, the effects of the miracle were beginning to show on everyone. Through tight embraces and delirious laughter each of my relatives welcomed back the old Vijayan, who they had been yearning to see for so long. Within days I was back in Calcutta, only to repeat this joyous routine all over again with my friends there.

My understanding of Amma began as a God Woman. She has remained thereafter as an incarnation of the Goddess Herself. And try hard as I might to understand this, how She made this transition in my mind still remains a mystery. My vocabulary finds itself woefully short in describing her miracles and her presence.

Who is this Lady? What makes Her seem so much larger than life? What is it that She does that makes my trials and tribulations in life so easy to conquer? These are questions that cross the mind of anyone who interacts with Amma at any point of his or her life. But when Her love takes you beyond mere questions, when it begins to give you answers that you have sought for years, there is a whole new interpretation to Amma's power. How this works and what makes it influence our lives, always remains beyond my comprehension.

Things fell into place as quickly as they had fallen apart. A month later when I heard that Amma would be coming to Chennai, I decided to go and see Her. During the darshan, Amma convinced me that She was everything that God was meant to be and more. The moment I stood in front of Her, Amma's face lit up and She asked me, "Son, are you able to work properly now?" Then She hugged me close. This time my emotions did not overpower my sense of speech and I saw myself tell Amma that I was "absolutely back" to my usual, old self. That, in fact, I now had much more confidence than before and was raring to face life with Her grace and blessings.

The transformation to normalcy was complete!

A short while later an old business associate and friend of mine called me up and asked me whether I was interested in setting up an organisation for his company in Singapore. It was a challenging proposition. But I knew that with Amma's grace I could most definitely deliver.

At present I live in Singapore, trying to establish business here for my firm. It is by all means a difficult proposition, one that tests the confidence that Amma instilled in me. But I am sure that confidence will remain as steadfast and unwavering as Amma's love for her devotees. Boosted by this positive frame of mind, I travelled to several countries across Asia and the Gulf region (including Hong Kong, Taiwan, China, Malaysia, Thailand, Dubai, Muscat and Japan). Never forgetting that it is Amma's grace that bridges the gap that exists between myself and the unforeseen expanse before me. Her Grace, I believe, will continue to protect my family and me, no matter what we need to endure in the future, as it protects the multitudes that experience the warmth of her hugs every day.

And if there is ever a single selfish spark within me, in the midst of my spiritual reasoning, let it be said: May this belief never lose its shine